He saw her again. The same spot he’d seen her for the last three nights. Catching her silhouette when he least expected. Tonight a slight wisp of breeze had caught in her hair and delicate curls of mischief were dancing in the air. He saw her move in the stillness and his heart rate quickened. A rising discomfort whispered through his blood. He shivered. He didn’t know her name or why she danced every night as if just for him. But he would come back again tomorrow and the night after too, maybe one day they would speak………………….
A 100 word photo prompt for Friday Fictioneers (although it’s not quite Friday)
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Beautiful, elegant writing. I love all the details (silhoutte, wisp of a breeze, delicate curls of mischief…) The ending – “maybe one day he would ask her that…” – was a bit jarring to me, though. Stylistically, it felt a little out of sync with the rest of the story. For me, something like “maybe one day he would speak to her” or something more definitive would work better. Unless you’re trying to communicate that she has done some harm to him… I don’t know. Again, everything up to that last line… exquisite!
Thank you, and I think your right re the ending. Watch this space, lol 🙂
Oh Dammit! Now I want to see your original last line! 🙂
Lovely little piece and accompanying photo (do you take the photos yourself for these prompts or stumble across them?
/facepalm – Just noticed the Friday Fictioneers thingy. I’d love to get involved in that.
You should give it a go, follow the link. Trying to tell a story in 100 words really gets the brain cells working, lol
Yeah, I really like the restrictions – I had the same constraints when doing a college course earlier this year.
Ok, I’ve added my first attempt (though admittedly it isn’t Friday today).
I like the fact that she means so much to him and yet he doesn’t speak to her. Or maybe he can’t…
enjoyed these descriptions;
Tonight a slight wisp of breeze had caught in her hair and delicate curls of mischief were dancing in the air.
A rising discomfort whispered through his blood.
Thanks for the lovely comment 🙂
Thank you for dropping by Helen, must try my hand at the Friday Fiction – hope you find something of interest while visiting??
Chris.
You caught my interest all right 🙂
If I may be so bold Helen as to ask what in particular caught your attention.
Chris.
I liked the pace of what I had read, especially ‘the wordsmith’. As a newbie to wordpress I love soaking up other peoples musings.
Thank you again – encouragement, I thrive on it at least I hope I do!!
Dear Helen,
There’s an ethereal sweetness to this that I found intriguing. One word of crit. I find the line of periods at the end distracting. I think a simple period will do…it really is a complete statement even though the thought is kind of open ended.
shalom,
Rochelle
Thank you for the comments, I think I’m being ‘and there’s more….’ maybe I need to learn to finish, lol. 🙂
Hi Helen, Beautifully put story, I loved the line “a rising discomfort whispered…’ very engaging image.
Thank you 🙂
Beautiful words!
Thank you 🙂
Aw, this was so romantic. Lovely eye for detail – I was right there.
Thank you for the lovely comments 🙂
Ah, romance mixed with mystery. Just the way we love it.
Thank you 🙂
It makes you wonder whether they will speak to each other one day. Nicely done!
Thank you, I love these little bits of flash there little bits of inspiration for longer stuff later 🙂
This is great. The detail you give made me shiver myself. Now I want to know if they ever meet and if he ever learns her name
Not that would be a story for another day. The great thing about these flash fiction prompts is getting inspiration for longer stuff later. Thanks for the lovely comment 🙂
There are lovely lines in this piece. Are they destined never to truly connect, I wonder?
I enjoyed reading your story, the line about the breeze in her hair was poetic.
Thank you 🙂
The opening of a love story, I think, Helen. I want to know whether she’s really dancing for him, or whether there’s something else at work here…
Thank you. I love how these can be extended, great practice pieces 🙂
Lots of good comments already. I like the sense of longing, waiting and of hope.
janet
Thank you 🙂
Simply perfect! I love the suspense,not quite knowing.
That last line captivates…., he’ll come back,again and again and again…..
Wow. Just beautiful Helen – not a single word wasted, and all them delightful when read together.
Thank you, I getting to love these tiny snippet exercises 🙂
Wonderful storytelling here… The prose read like poetry in some of the passages.
Thanks, I thought that too but wasnt sure if it was just the way I reading it back 🙂
Uh oh. He really needs to back off. Not sure if I feel happiness or concern for him. An adult tale from the Brothers Grimm?
Dear Helen,
This story seems to have underpinnings of unrequited love. Nice work.
Aloha,
Doug
Thank you for the ‘kind’ comments 🙂
shyness sucks… Randy
Dancing in the street would be odd and “stalking” might be odd but put them both together and they are romance.
Isn’t that odd?
Your comment was better than my piece, lol 🙂
Lol
Beautiful, seamless writing. A real treat, Helen. I like the mystique you’ve created and the idea of a relationship beginning with the dance.
Perfect last line! ” But he would come back again tomorrow and the night after too, maybe one day they would speak………………….” I like the idea that he will be returning but never speak to her which shows what kind of character he might be. The picture is also perfect!
Thanks, I love trying to get these little pieces of flash to gel 🙂
This is a lovely scene and captures the picture so well.