Treading Water

Wednesday already, nooooooooo. But Friday Fictioneers makes the fast ebbing week so much sweeter. 100 words of fiction based on the photo prompt provided. I’ve gone deep again, not sure why, could be a vitamin deficiency, a change in the weather or maybe even a yeast infection…. Whatever the cause I’m sure its not contagious so get yourselves over and follow the link, ff99-the-reclining-gentleman

Photo Copyright : The Reclining Gentlemen

When the clouds begin to darken and the sun retreats in fear, there’s a whisper in the silence that very few can hear. Like the patter of rain on water and the ripples that spread out wide, the breath of an ant in motion and the flutter of a falling leaf.

When guilt has you treading calm water, beware of the current beneath, for silence is never total, just as absolution is never absolute. There are secrets that can never be silenced and regret that can drown you from within. So while the rhythm of life keeps flowing, remember that remorse is just learning how to swim. 

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I wasn’t happy with my first attempt but as I had so many comments I thought I’d better leave it up, but there’s an amended version below that I think works better. Experimenting doesn’t always work, though that doesn’t mean its not worth trying :

When the clouds begin to darken and the sun retreats in fear, there’s a whisper in the silence that very few can hear. Like the patter of rain on water and the ripples that spread out wide, the breath of an ant in motion and the flutter of your heart inside.

When you’re guilty of treading water, beware of the current beneath, for silence is never total, just as absolution is never obsolete. There are secrets that can never be silenced and regret that can drown from within. When the rhythm of life is flowing, remorse is just learning how to swim.

23 thoughts on “Treading Water

  1. Helen, this has an ominous feel to me, filled with regret and guilt. It threw me off a bit that based on the first sentence, I felt that it was going to be rhyming (the last several lines are a bit the same) and it took me some time to get over that.

    janet

    • Thanks for commenting Janet. I am trying to vary my style each week, sometimes it works, sometimes not 😉 I was going for rhythm as opposed to rhyme, but the elements of rhyme were intentional 🙂

  2. I thought the opening line was terrific. Like Janet, I thought we were in for some poetry, but though the metre of the remaining para was spot on you dropped the rhyme. I was kind of disappointed. But an enjoyable sentiment even if I was distracted by the structure. Nice piece of work.

  3. Wonderful! I really don’t know what to add to the other comments. The phrase that sticks in my mind, for some reason, is “a whisper in the silence.” I really like that.

  4. Dear Helen, I read both your stories and liked them equally. You have a wonderful way of writing. I love the treading water comment. I once opted out of swimming class by treading water for 30 minutes – well I could float for a rest (which helped) but I didn’t have to take first hour swimming. Love your story – absolutely and as usual, I am in awe! Nan 🙂

  5. Helen, I liked both pieces. I agree that something deep is building. I guess most of us somehow manage to keep “treading” the waters of life so to speak. To me, it beats sinking by a mile. Well written. 🙂 — Susan

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