Wednesday again and time for Friday Fictioneers. A 100 word piece of fiction based on the weekly changing photo prompt. Get yourself over and join in the fun, go on I dare you.
Original Photo : Jennifer Pendergast
The sun was at its lowest and a trail of burning orange was dancing across the mountain tops. I knew the train was coming. I heard it pick up speed, from a rattle to a rumble and I smelt its coal fired belly, though I couldn’t see the steam.
Papa used to say “Every soul has a ticket for the death train”. Papa said a lot of things. He said never talk to strangers or never leave the trail. I wish I’d listened to Papa.
Because now there’s blood on my dress, dirt in my mouth and a train ticket in my pocket.
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Hindsight is always 20-20….Hope the ticket is to a nice place..Nice one.
I hope we all go to a nice place when we die, just hope we don’t hear the train too soon 😉
Well that certainly left me wondering!
sometimes wondering is good, sometimes not so good 😉 my thought process was the train was death, and only the dead could see it, the girl had been killed and had a ticket for the death train in her pocket. That’s where I was intending it to go anyway. I’ve amended it slightly so it might be a little clearer 🙂
Well it is difficult with 100 words and then you have people like me who are a little dense. I still liked your story even if it left me wondering.
I must have read too fast the first time. Now that I re-read “He said never talk to strangers or never leave the trail. I wish I’d listened to Papa,” I get it. Well done.
Thank you 🙂
That is a great story, Helen. That last phrase killed me. This really is a masterpiece. I love it.
-David
Wow, thanks for fab comment 🙂
So well written. Love the way you told the story. My heart sunk when I read “Every soul has a ticket for the death train”. I agree with David. This is a masterpiece.
Thank you for reading and such a great comment 🙂
Good story Helen, and I do have really good friends – but best of all – my twin sister Ann. We don’t look alike but sound alike and married in a double wedding – I have 4 kids – she has 2 all boys. She has 6 grandchildren – I have 14. They do keep us busy – oh yes, I love your story! Nan 🙂
Great imagery, love the last sentence. Nice she got a grand steam train, when it’s my time I’m expecting a Segway.
I love the Segway idea 😉
The connection came unexpected, up to the line with the death train I expected a ‘going away’ story. Going away forever, indeed. This was great, and, as others have said, masterfully done.
Wow. Very well done!
Lovely analogy, and nice way of putting her thoughts as the train is approaching. Makes me wonder what happened to get her there, and definitely feels like you could tell a whole lot more of this story.
LOVE the rhythm in your third sentence… “…pick up speed, from a rattle to a rumble….” Makes me hear that train coming. Each phrase wants to be spoken more quickly – Beautiful!
Wow, I loved your story of the death train. The last sentence was superb!
Spookily good.
I can taste that dirt in her mouth.
Although I didn’t use it, my first idea for this was along the lines of a “death train”. It’s interesting how the photograph seems to elicit the same reaction from so many of those writing about it. With the desolate landscape beyond the train, it has a kind of lonely “last stop” or “end of the line” aura about it.
Dear Helen,
Oh, God, this is a great story. Mystery, sadness, inevitability and the train picking up speed as it heads her way. Excellent title. Excellent writing.
Aloha,
Doug
Great story, brilliantly delivered!
Spanish Train…. though no gambling involved…
Very well written, Helen. The analogy is excellent. I particularly love the phrase ‘coal fired belly’ and the last line is just brilliant. 🙂
Ooh. Powerful little fiction.
Her description of her wishing she had listened to her father’s advice is death knell poetry in juxtaposition to her father’s death train imagery and specific directions.
Wow. it was great.
Randy
Great story Helen, like the train it picks up speed, heading towards the inevitable. Well done 🙂
I was with my Dad when he was dying and he made several references to catching the train. Travel is a common theme for those who are dying. I wish it wasn’t so for this poor child.
Tracey
Powerful story, Helen! And so well written. I like that only the dead can see the train. I hope it’s a journey to a better place.
Nicely built up and a well written story!
I too have also heard people reference a train when discussing death.
Dear Helen,
I don’t know what I can say that hasn’t been said already. Beautifully written and the last sentence is beyond perfect. Brava!
Shalom,
Rochelle
Very well done, Helen. I’m glad I stopped by to take another peek at stories I hadn’t yet read. Kudos.
Powerful. Papa was right on all three counts, unfortunately. She should have heeded him. A gripping and disturbing story. Wonderful imagery.
Excellent story, especially the last line.
Helen, you are one of my favorite story tellers, for so many reasons… but, it is this: the clean, beautiful story telling and the ethereal touch here, that makes this story brilliant and heart breaking! LOVE it.
Sorry I’m so late… I’ve had a lot on my plate. Glad I read this one; it’s hauntingly beautiful!